Yesterday was a great day. I had a hot date with a handsome man who I met on Grindr. He’s from abroad, here on holiday at a place nearby. I was planning to go for a swim anyway, so I arranged to visit him as well. I was looking forward to it. I took the bus, arrived at the place, spent most of my day by the beach swimming, listening to music and chilling.
He came and picked me up with his car. He looked super handsome in real life too. We exchanged interests, chatted about random stuff and he suggested to go back to his for sexy time. We had great sex; we were both into it and each other a lot and we made an effort to make it last. After we finished we cuddled in bed for a while. I left him with a big hug, said goodbye and went for a last swim before taking the bus back home. It was the perfect day.
Except that it’s not what happened. It was what I wished and expected to happen.
I did arrange a date with this guy and I was indeed looking forward to it. He looked hot in the pics and I was quite anxious about meeting him. I spent my day by the beach but I wasn’t that chilled. I was anxious about our date and as I was up for getting fucked, I was also worried about how to clean my arse before meeting him. We arranged to meet at 17:00 but he was pretty vague about it. He ended up showing up at 18:10.
He looked like his face pics but his body and, as I found out later, his dick were nothing like the pics he sent. He took me to his place which was mildly put, pretty grim. He had all the blinds down, all the windows shut and the lights off. We barely exchanged two words. We fucked – I fucked him to be precise, so all that worry was for nothing – but we were totally disconnected from each other. We both came, I took my stuff and left almost immediately.
I went to the beach for a last swim before I took my bus home. As I was swimming I was trying to make sense of what happened. I knew what he did wasn’t personal. I knew he didn’t lie and he didn’t behave in such a strange way because he had something against me. It was all a result of his stuff, society, his own feelings. But why did it hurt so much? Why did I take it so personally? At that moment I saw clearly how fake the world we live in is and how we lie to each other all the time. I burst into laughter and right at that moment, I stopped hurting. I went to get some food, took my bus back home listening to music on the way, feeling joyful. I woke up the next day liberated and free. If the world is a such a lie then everything is possible.
Except that again that’s not what happened. That’s what I wanted and hoped to happen.
I did indeed burst into laughter in the sea and I did momentarily felt free. But after that I started disconnecting from myself and my surroundings. I binged on comfort food and on the bus on my way home, unable to focus, I noticed that I started feeling angry. By the time I was home and went to bed anger turned into depression. I woke up the next day feeling dejected, annoyed, frustrated, disappointed and deeply sad and angry.
I’m mad at that guy. I’m mad at all the guys out there and I’m mad at the world. There’s lies everywhere. It feels like we’re constantly lie to ourselves and each other. I know it’s society that’s the problem, not us as individuals, but even if I want this to make me feel better, even if I want it to stop making me feel angry, it doesn’t. I’m confused, I don’t know what’s going on and how to go about this. As much as I want to find a way to conclude this post on a positive note, to find ways to tell myself that it could have been worse or that it’s not that bad, I’d rather be real than lie to myself again.