The place of nowhere to go

Today I’m in the place I was yesterday, which is the place I was the day before.
I have no goal. I have no aim.
Is it a privilege or is it a curse?

I just exist, sometimes going with the flow, others against it.
I sometimes tell myself I know where I am and where I’m going, others I know I don’t know where I am and where I’m going.

My friends are being useful, productive, creative.
I want to be useful, productive, creative.
My calendar is full of things: learn this thing, read this article, send this form, take this workshop. The rest of the time there’s nothing. Endless walks in the park, sometimes with headphones on, others listening to the sounds of life.

Should I just set a big life goal and get done with it?
When I sit down to think about it, nothing comes up. Am I broken? Or is it that I’m happy with where I am right now?

I’m in this place of nowhere to go. It’s a scary place and I like it. I love exploring it; sensing it, walking with it, sitting with it, dancing with it. I sometimes ask what music it wants to listen to or which way it wants to walk towards. I don’t know who I would be without it.

I’m in this place of nowhere to go. It’s a scary place and I don’t like it. I wish I could find this thing that would make me say: YES, now I know who I am and who I want to be.

But how could that be? I’m so complex and colourful and multidimensional and ever-changing. How could I limit my sense of self to this one-sided view of how I want others to see me?

I long to be seen, to be accepted, to be loved.
Is it to be seen, to be accepted, to be loved what I long for
or just the relief from the fear of having nowhere to go?

I’m in this place of nowhere to go.
I’m in the middle of a million-pathway crossroad.
I’m at the edge of a cliff; there’s nothing behind me and I’m afraid of heights.

All I want is a break from thinking about where I want to go.
All I want is a break from thinking about who I want to become.
All I want is a break.
All I want is to rest.

I’m in this place of nowhere to go.